I confess, I'm a bit of a large family junkie. Do you parent lots of kids (like eight, ten or more)? If so, I'm totally interested in reading, watching or otherwise hearing about your life. I guess I kind of hope to have a larger family some day. At the moment I seem to be heading in that direction. I have three, and as much as I try, I just can't imagine being done having children. By today's standards, four is definitely in the large family realm.
So in a random search I came across a mom of eight kids and began reading through her blog. As I was reading through I came across a link in one of her comments to a site called Raising Godly Tomatoes. It's funny, I almost didn't click through, but I'm so glad I did. Raising Godly Tomatoes is a treasure trove of parenting advice. I just couldn't stop reading. It was only because I read into the wee hours of the morning that I forced myself to take a break.
Raising Godly Tomatoes offers refreshingly practical advice on parenting and it focuses on small children, which I love. Elizabeth Krueger's advice is not popular, but I believe it is right on point. My oldest is only three and even he is still too young for a lot of the other parenting advice out there. Most of the parenting stuff I come across is about how you can survive the baby/toddler years and then reason with an older child. Elizabeth, a mother of 10 herself, takes a totally different approach. She focuses on those young years as the prime foundation to raise a godly child.
Basically teach your child how to bend his will to his parent's will in those early years (how to honor his father and mother) and he will better know how to bend his will to God's will (honor God) in later years. As someone who never had to bend her will to her parent's as a child, I completely understand how difficult it is to learn this skill as an adult. It is something I constantly struggle with. I want better for my children. I'm not saying I think conforming to the will of God will be something my kids will never struggle with, but like most skills, it is easier if you learn it when you are young.
Another thing that was a total light bulb moment for me was when a child misbehaves Elizabeth advocates that you draw the child closer to you so you can watch him, rather than, as popular wisdom would say, send him to be alone in his room or in time-out. Elizabeth calls this "tomato staking":
Every gardener knows what I mean by "tomato staking". A tomato plant grows fast, big, and wild. If left untended, it soon sprawls out into an unwieldy heap. As the fruit grows, it weighs the plant down to the ground. Propping by this time is too late. Any attempt to retrain and redirect the growth of the branches will result in breakage and substantial loss of the fruit due to rot, disease, and pests.
On the other hand, a tomato plant which has been properly cared for, will produce an abundance of excellent fruit. From the beginning it must be watered, cultivated, pruned, fertilized, examined for pests, and staked up. The branches will grow the way they were propped and trained, and when the fruit is large and ripe the branches will have the strength to hold those beautiful tomatoes up off the wet ground. What a delight!
(Raising Godly Tomatoes by L. Elizabeth Krueger)
I believe she takes Attachment Parenting to its logical conclusion with Tomato Staking. A parent keeps the child close in order to properly train the child. This is where I think Dr. Sears drops the ball. Parent-child closeness is vitally important, but proximity and affection alone will not help your child grow to be a good adult. A parent must also consistently and continually teach the child proper behavior and proper attitudes that he or she should have as an adult. Tomato staking allows the parent to closely watch the child and to then correct and praise as necessary.
One of her more controversial ideas is the notion that "not all emotions, displayed freely, are good." Any emotion that would be abhorrent when displayed in an adult should be equally abhorrent and thus not tolerated in a child. She throws out this idea of "children will be children" and therefore we should let them have whatever behavior and attitude comes to them "by nature" and replaces it with the idea that parents must train their children to exhibit behavior and attitudes of a godly adult. Elizabeth also gives specific examples of how she and others seeking her advice have trained their children in the way they should go.
Elizabeth has recently had all her wise advice published in a book of the same name as the site, Raising Godly Tomatoes. She is giving away a copy of her book on Tiany's blog, Less Of Me~ More of Him, as a part of her two year Blogoversary Party. The book is by no means expensive to begin with, especially when you think of all the wonderful advice you get, but I just love the idea of possibly getting something free!
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